Why Happiness is Not a Luxury

Back when I was a young, single girl in L.A., I had a friend who would often opine that any problem that could be solved with money is not a “real” problem.  Of course, none of us had any money, so we had lots of “fake” problems; and “fake” problems, like “fake news” are actually very real.  Not being able to pay your rent may be a “fake” problem, but it will still get you evicted.

But the core truth of what she said has always stuck with me.  Things like disease, depression, addiction, loss of a loved one—these are things we can throw all the money in the world at to no avail.  All other problems tend to be transient, to some degree; even if we do get evicted, the vast majority of us will not end up permanently homeless.

And all of us will face various challenges throughout our lives and for the most part will eventually either triumph over them or at the very least get past them.

Which brings me to the topic of happiness. 

When we get caught in a cycle of challenges and difficulties, it is easy to lose sight of it.  While we will still cherish the way our child embraces us, or a beautiful sunset or a good book, being generally a “happy person” with a “happy life” starts to seem like something only possible for our Facebook friends, who appear to be forever on holiday or at the very least eating gourmet meals on a regular basis.

Happiness itself seems like a luxury, not something we regular folk with 99 problems, “fake” or not, get to enjoy.  Happiness is for the lucky, the beautiful and yes, the rich.  The rest of us are just trying to get through the day, keep a roof over our heads and keep the kids alive and relatively well.

For the last 9 months, many of the big, major ("fake") stressors I had pressing down on me started to shift, mostly for the better.  Of course the shifts have caused adjustments, not all of them desirable, but for the most part life is a lot better than it was a year ago.  However, I also developed a new problem, something that may be judged as frivolous by some, but that has really been bothering me.

When I mentioned it to my mother a few months ago, her response was, “At least you don’t have cancer!”  Classic Mom.  Of course I wish NOBODY had cancer; I lost my Dad to it 12 years ago and consider cancer to be a cruel thief and worthy of nothing short than eradication from the planet.

But just like not having enough money to pay your bills is only a “fake” problem when you do, just because we are fortunate enough not to have a ravaging disease does not mean other conditions won’t cause us pain.  Bad relationships, bad jobs, even a bad back can wreak havoc on your ability to sit in a state of bliss; “at least you don’t have cancer” might remind us to count the blessings we DO have.  But, as I told my Mom when she said it to me, I think ALL of us have the right to want to set the bar a little higher than “not having cancer”.

It may be an unpopular opinion, but I think we have the right to be happy. 

I also think that for most of us, “happiness” is not some pie-in-the-sky, unattainable ideal; we wish for yes, physical health, but also emotional freedom.  Good relationships with people we respect and trust.  Good work that is meaningful to us and helpful to others.

Feeling at home in our own skin, our own psyches, our own environs.

So when we are in a state where a lot of those markers aren’t being met?  We feel unhappy.  And unhappiness begets unhappiness and often we spiral into a sense of powerless.

We may yell at the kids or our spouse, we may underperform at work, but most of all we will take it out on ourselves.  Unhealthy eating or too much drinking (smoking, etc) can easily become coping mechanisms, and the dis-ease these sorts of behaviors cause in our bodies can compound our sense of worthlessness.  Self-talk runs in circles where we blame ourselves for not having the “courage”/financial ability/support system to leave unhappy (and sometimes abusive) circumstances, as we self-confirm on an endless loop our own hopelessness.

This is why I am going to call it:  happiness?  It’s not a luxury.  It is actually the very least you deserve.

And I know there are a lot of people with that old-school mentality that says we don’t DESERVE anything inherently; we need to work for everything we get or else we won’t appreciate it.  This is partially true, but actually not a contradiction of my belief that we deserve happiness.  Yes, we are inherently worthy of happiness, but yes, we do have to work for it.

So what does “working for” our happiness look like?

It looks first and foremost like healthy boundaries; the ability and willingness to say “NO” to people and situations that undermine, take advantage of or abuse us.  It also includes prioritizing those things that feed and/or soothe our soul—music, reading, exercise, alone time, cooking—whatever that means to you.  Another critical component is accepting your own preferences (being “okay” with who you are and what you want) while at the same time NOT trying to force your preferences on anyone else (some people have more trouble with the first part of that equation; some have more trouble with the second, but knowing thyself is crucial).

Now many of the same people who don’t believe we are intrinsically worthy will say my recipe for happiness is “selfish”.  Because how dare we say NO, how dare we nurture ourselves, how dare we accept and allow ourselves to be and extend this same courtesy to others who may or may not share our belief system?  We actually have a cultural bias AGAINST happiness, due in part to the fact that happy people are not indiscriminate consumers and therefore “not good” for a capitalistic society.

But I say this is false; yes, happy people are NOT indiscriminate consumers.  But happy people are more motivated and productive (better workers); happy people are more confident and energized (more likely to take care of their bodies and splurge on that special outfit, for example).

Happy people are more loving and compassionate.

Happy people have better relationships, both with themselves and others.  Happy people are more likely to “go the extra mile” and work towards their dreams.  Happy people are more generous and supportive and enthusiastic and open-minded and flexible.

Happiness in not a luxury.  Happiness is that which we should be seeking whenever possible and that which we should encourage in others through our words and actions.  Sanskrit wisdom (and some believe Ghandi) taught that “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”

Does that really sound like too much to ask for?