WHY THE STRUGGLE IS REAL

 

If you were a kid any time before the mid-’90s (when the vaccine became common practice), chances are HUGE that you had the chickenpox.  It was a horrible, unsightly, rite-of-passage that most of us experienced, stealing WEEKS of our childhood while we remained quarantined in the house with our itchy blisters. I “caught” my case from my younger sibling (thanks, sista!) who, as I remember it, had to miss our year-end dance recital because of the illness.

It was at the beginning of summer vacation when my turn came, so I got to listen to everybody else running around outside enjoying their freedom while I picked at my scalp (where most of my “pox” manifested) and felt profoundly sorry for myself.  I also had to miss the big girl scout camping trip that all of my friends got to enjoy, although in retrospect I do not understand why I was so devastated because anybody who knows me knows I love NOT camping.  Bottom line—I knew I was “missing out,” and nobody likes that feeling.

Since that harrowing experience, I had by and large experienced mainly good health until early last year; I took an antibiotic for a bacterial skin infection and my whole life suddenly changed for the much, much worse, as I have already detailed.  I went from being a robustly healthy person to a debilitated person literally overnight, and unfortunately in spite of the many thousands of dollars I have spent on both traditional and holistic remedies, that remains true.  My life stopped being about TODAY and started being about SOMEDAY.

SOMEDAY I will be well again.  SOMEDAY I will be able to do the things I am no longer able to do again.  SOMEDAY I will be able to eat (dairy!  wheat! Sugar!), drink (something other than turmeric probiotic shots!) and be merry again.

Not unlike those weeks I spent as a little girl listening to summer vacation happening WITHOUT ME, I spent most of last year feeling like an outsider in my own existence, someone who can watch and listen but not participate.  The joys of living and the world seemed remote from inside the prison of my damaged body.  All I could think about was FIX THIS, FIX THIS, FIX THIS so that I can get BACK to the world and my LIFE.

Yeah, I know.

I know it sounds kind of solipsistic today, considering that nearly everybody in the world feels this exact same way now.  My personal hell has become on a certain level all of our realities.  This pandemic means we have stopped being about TODAY because all we can think is FIX THIS, FIX THIS, FIX THIS so that I can get BACK to the world and my LIFE.

One of the clear memories I have about my bout with the chickenpox is that although it was virtually inevitable that I was going to come down with the virus (my sister and I shared a room), in my little kid way I tried to mind-over-matter that fact away.  I tried to fool my body (and my Mom) into believing that I was feeling FANTASTIC (not punky and room spinny) and kept my little self busy preparing for the camping trip I knew in my heart was not happening for me.   In this very small way, I do understand the people who don’t want to (or don’t) wear masks, in spite of the reality that their efficacy is a proven fact.

Pretending (for children) is an important coping mechanism, but if we don’t outgrow it, it becomes something we call “denial”.  And while denying the facts may provide some temporary psychological relief,  it quickly becomes something destructive because none of us, even in our current, socially distanced reality, lives in a vacuum.  Denial turns you into the guy who insists he isn’t drunk when you try to take his car keys away—you are a danger to yourself and to others.

I think a big factor—maybe the biggest—in our fact denying fellow citizens refusal to look out for their own wellbeing (and yours) goes back to my childhood fear—that fear of MISSING OUT.  This year has been the official spokesperson for MISSING OUT, as important milestone events large and small have been canceled, and even our regular, relied upon routines have been entirely upended.  But here’s the thing—this is not like that summer vacation all those years ago where I was, in FACT, missing out;  this year you can safely stay at home and rest assured that the only thing you are really missing out on is an opportunity to contract a ferocious and sometimes deadly virus.

We ALL, mask compliant or not, want to FIX THIS, FIX THIS, FIX THIS so that we can get BACK to the world and our lives, but the reality is---we just have to wait.  We have to wait for a vaccine, we have to wait for more effective treatments and the only thing those of us who are not actively participating in that process can do to help is STOP SPREADING IT AROUND.  We have to start living in today again, making those small daily choices that remind us that even in a socially distanced world, we need each other.

Thanks to my tangle with the neurotoxic antibiotic, I am now the oft-discussed “immunocompromised” person that your refusal to wear a mask disproportionately endangers; because of my resulting tangle with Guillain Barre Syndrome, even when there is a vaccine, it will not be safe for me to get it.  That means my life is not going back to “normal” for a very long time…or possibly, I now accept, ever.  So if I don’t start living for today, I may run out of days before I start living again, and that would be a waste.

I had already “lost” a year of my life to this illness before the pandemic started and now we are all headed into the 6^th month of this new reality together.  I get, maybe even a little bit more acutely than most, how empirically HORRIBLE this has been.  The struggle is real.

But to me, the decision to wear a mask and practice social distancing is as straight forward as the decision not to drive drunk.  Yes, there is a chance the drunk driver will make it home without killing anyone, but we have facts and statistics that clearly demonstrate what a high-risk behavior it is.  Wearing a mask is not an infringement of your personal freedom any more than no littering laws are—keep your junk and germs to yourself.

Otherwise, we are all going to be missing out for a long, long time.

Image by Vesna Harni from Pixabay 

Why I'll Give You Something to Cry About

If you grew up in the era before liberal snowflakes RUINED EVERYTHING*, somebody at some point (most likely a parent) may have said to you, “I’ll give you something to cry about”.

This was always spoken when you were already crying, for whatever reason, and it not only implied that you were not justified in your emotion BUT ALSO that if you did not stop, the speaker would enact some more vicious means of causing you pain, whether emotional or physical.  Obviously threatening somebody who is already upset is universally agreed upon as THE BEST method of handling them and also, let’s face it, crying is for BABIES ONLY. 

People who cry when in pain, or when they are sad, or when they are frustrated, or when they are angry are really the WORST.

In fact, people who are displeasing to us in ANY WAY AT ALL, be it their race, religion, sexual orientation, weight, looks, taste in music, preference for cats over dogs, OH I COULD GO ON but REALLY, let’s all just AGREE—they are HORRIBLE and should be at least invalidated and possibly under the right circumstances PUNISHED.

*UGH, all of those laws that prevent this from happening!

Isn’t it nice when we all agree, though?  It feels really good when other people agree with you, it is a balm for the soul—someone agrees with me, I must be RIGHT!  And even if that agreement is in no way based on facts or evidence or even common sense, it is still really satisfying.

So why am I going to give you something to cry about?

Welp, it turns out my late, great father was right about me—I am what an industrial psychologist would call a “mismatcher”.  That is to say, when I look at any situation objectively, I automatically start to identify the cracks and problems and how they might possibly be sealed and solved.  It is just the way my brain works.

It additionally turns out that my mother was right about me when she called me “the kid from the emperor’s new clothes”. Yeah, sure, seeing a naked guy might be uncomfortable, but it’s the person who starts screaming about it that REALLY makes everybody cringe.  So greetings to the elephant in the room—I see you, I acknowledge you and I am as we speak figuring out a way to get you and your ginormous poops out of this small space.

This is on my mind because recently my tendency to “mismatch” has been on overdrive.  I think because for the first time in my life I have been so obviously and measurably diminished by an illness that NO ONE seems to have a SINGLE CLUE how to heal, it has made me even more hyper aware of the difference between a problem that CAN be solved and a problem that CAN’T be solved (at least not with the data currently available) and the good news is, most problems CAN BE SOLVED!!!! 

The bad news is, as my late great father used to say, there may be an idiot in charge.

I recently posted about my incredibly EFFORTED attempts to be well again (all failures so far) and how in touch I am becoming with the deeply embedded belief I have that my value lies not in my being but in my EFFORT.  When effort proves worthless and you are a person who has always laid stock in it, there comes a great awakening, something akin to the t-shirt wisdom that SH*T HAPPENS layered with some “dark night of the soul” search for meaning in the mess. 

But with the clear and present understanding that effort is not always the answer comes the just as urgent clarion call:  sometimes, IT IS.

And we (all of us) need to realize the difference between situations we CAN fix with effort and situations we can’t.

So here’s where I give you something to cry about.

There are a HUGE BUNCH of things in your life that you have been “crying” about that are completely and totally in your control.  Sorry, I’m right about this.  And btw, it is 100% TRUE OF ME as well!

My illness may not be something I can control, but there are many problematic situations I am living with that I could act upon but choose not to, for various reasons.  BUT I COULD.  Like the old Eagles’ song says, “So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key.”

Here are some examples of things you can stop crying about RIGHT NOW:

Your weight (unless you have a serious underlying and incurable condition that prevents the following advice):  lose it, gain it or accept it.

Your relationship:  leave it, go to couples’ counselling, go to therapy to figure out why you are staying in a relationship that makes you cry or accept it.**

Your job:  quit, ask about training programs, ask about transferring, take night/online classes to open new opportunities, apply for new positions outside the company, do things to build up your resume or accept it.

Your looks:  get plastic surgery or accept the fact that there is not a single person in your life that you love because of how they look so, AHEM.

And I could go on, but I won’t because it isn’t nice to give people you care for something to cry about, even if what you are saying is totally fair and valid (as I have learned recently the hard way).  I am writing this very generic blanket post because I have REALLY TICKED SOME PEOPLE OFF by pointing out this kind of stuff to them specifically about their particular situations.  But seriously, when life confronts you with a circumstance you cannot heal or fix with effort, you lose a lot of your patience with people who could.

So while I am not going to tell you your pain is not justified and I am not even going to threaten you with corporal punishment (although if you were my kid I COULD!  STILL LEGAL in the good old U.S. of A., take THAT, liberal snowflakes!) I am going to say that as far as we know, this is your one and only life, so embrace what is working for you and change anything and everything that isn’t.  And maybe (just maybe) crying about your problems rather than fixing them is working for you.

Sorry, I’m right about this.

BUT

If you are like me, and REALLY want to learn to discern the difference between a problem that CAN be solved and one that can’t?  Then, please:

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”  ~ Mary Oliver

Own your problems and enjoy solving those you can.  That is the best life any of us can truly hope for, tears and all.

 

(**if you are involved with an abuser—please call the domestic abuse hotline and get help)

WHY THERE ACTUALLY IS “TRY”, YODA BABY

So “Baby Yoda” was all over the news recently and while I was not curious enough to “click on a link” (as the kids don’t say), I WAS curious enough to ask my son about it (no, you don’t have to explain, he already did an adequate job).

The idea that Yoda was ever a baby brings up so many questions (none of them urgent enough to compel me to watch the program he is featured on), not least among them:  “What SPECIES is Yoda? And if he was once a baby, doesn’t that mean that he has parents?  Did the race die out , so he was the only one left by the time he met Luke Skywalker? And why on earth (galaxy?) did his theoretical parents teach him that there is no try?”

I am now seriously begging all Star Wars geeks NOT to answer any of my questions because what else will I perseverate on late at night when I can’t sleep?  To be clear, when I call y’all “geeks”, I am not suggesting that I, as a child of the 70’s, was not once captivated by Luke, Leia, Han Solo, et al.  I think I saw Return of the Jedi at least three times in the theater on its first run. 

But the whole “episode” this and “episode” that lost me and now I don’t check in anymore (although I did see The Force Awakens; my big takeaway was that there is NO WAY Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford would have a kid who looked like Adam Driver so—plot twist alert!—maybe Leia was getting some on the side?) but thanks to a handy 21^st Century invention known as the “meme”, I will never be able to forget “adult” (?) Yoda’s advice to “baby” Luke Skywalker:

DO OR DO NOT.  THERE IS NO TRY.

And seriously, how can 4 billion memes be wrong, amiright?

EXCEPT…

There is totally, absolutely a try, Yoda.  So “try” that on for size, old “man” (?)

Now, don’t get me wrong—I have heard about 4 billion people in my (relatively short compared to 4 billion years) lifetime LIE about “trying”, so I can get where Yoda might have some confusion about this.  “Try” is a catch-all word often used by underperformers and excuse-makers, so the fact that it has a bad rap makes sense.  BUT “try” is actually one of the most important things you can do in this world (I can’t speak for a galaxy far, far, away).  Like the ant with the rubber tree plant, you have got to have high hopes in order to “do or do not”.

Why am I feeling so passionately about this (apart from the fact that I need something to think about during the endless hours I lie awake most nights)?  I will tell you why:

I AM THE QUEEN OF TRY.

We don’t even have to have a pageant or a vote or a competition, because nobody else wants the crown.  Because

THE QUEEN OF TRY

might ALSO be known as

THE QUEEN OF FAIL

And THAT does NOT look good on a resume, for sure.

So call off the arm wrestling match, I’ve got this one.

Anyone who really knows me knows that as the

QUEEN OF TRY

EFFORT is my KING!!!!

I literally SWOON over EFFORT, butterflies in my stomach, the whole shebang (as they say, but I am not sure who).

Not to be maudlin, but anyone who knows the remotest thing about me now knows that I have been (cough, cough) SICK for 10 months, going on a year.  And if you do not understand that I have TRY, TRY, TRIED my DAMNDEST to be well again, you DON’T KNOW NUTHIN’ (as the kids don’t say).  Here are some things I have “tried” (Yoda Baby):

An Organic diet

A diet free from gluten/dairy/alcohol/artificial sweeteners/ refined sugars/processed foods

Herbal and Vitamin supplements (“try” me, I’ve “tried” it)

Collagen Peptides

Massage (BAD idea)

Acupuncture

Thousands and thousands of dollars on conventional doctors and medications (WORSE idea)

Daily prayer and meditation

Daily walks

Yoga

…and the list of “trying” does go on.

# of “tries” that have “succeeded” in making me well?

ZERO.

So that makes them “fails”, right?

So where does that fall in the “do or do not” paradigm, Yoda?

Before you answer, keep in mind that most of the above list is still in the “trying” phase.  That is to say that just because I have been taking these supplements (for example) for ten months without any relief means I have STOPPED taking them.  HELL, NO!

I am STILL TRYING.

“TRYING”, Yoda.

So why, when all of my effort and “trying” have failed to “do”, do I keep on keepin’ on?

Because I think Yoda is a liar.

I think “trying” is the only game in town.  I think that without “trying”, failure is automatic.  Without “trying”, doing is impossible.  Without “trying”, life is just a slideshow of presentations made by people who were willing to “try” when you were not.

If you’ve never “tried”, you’ve never failed.  If you never failed, you never learned.  If you never learned, you never grew.  If you never grew…

You are still Baby Yoda.

Yes, Virginia, there IS a “try”.

And some days, trying is all we have left to “do”.  So I will keep on trying (haters and Yoda be damned) and if I continue to fail, so be it.  But if you think I am just going to give up on “trying” for anything I want…

YOU DON’T KNOW NUTHIN’.

With all due respect to Yoda, baby.