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Tuesday, November 11, 2014

WHY I AM STARTING A RELIGION CALLED WTF

After much serious contemplation, I have decided to go ahead and start a religion called “WTF”.  No dues necessary; no screening process either—if you want in, you’re IN!  The religion of WTF is not meant to replace or undermine any current religion that is working for you.  We are not a missionary congregation.  But if you are laboring under structures, whether they be relationships, jobs or yes, even religions that are causing you pain, WTF might be for you.  Because we fervently believe that life is too short for bullshit.  In fact, I considered calling the religion “Life Is Too Short for Bullshit”, but I think WTF is catchier, don’t you?  Okay, so let’s establish some ground rules…er, I mean “Commandments”, isn’t that the proper word for a religion?  Our first commandment is this:  THOU SHALT NOT LET ANYONE COMMAND YOU TO DO BULLSHIT THAT MAKES YOU MISERABLE.   Unless it’s your parents, we'll keep that one—go ahead and honor your parents because you will just feel better if you do.  You'll be all, “Look at this bullshit I put up with from my parents, aren’t I a great kid?” and your friends will totally agree and then you will be happy.

We should probably have more than one commandment, so how about:  THOU SHALT NOT LET ANYONE MAKE YOU MISERABLE FOR ANY REASON.  Because WTF?  Why should anyone have that kind of power over you?  And, at the risk of being stoned to death in my church parking lot, I will go so far as to blaspheme:  DO NOT LET YOUR IDEA OF GOD MAKE YOU MISERABLE.  Because there are a million religions (including a new one called WTF that is FABULOUS, I hear) and if your religion is making you unhappy, then it is NOT DOING ITS JOB and should be kicked to the curb.  For example, if you are gay but belong to a church that says being gay is bad?  Kick that God to the curb!  Why invest in a God that supposedly creates “defective” equipment and then condemns it for being so?  Life is too short for bullshit, my friends, and that stinks of bullshit to the high heavens, as it were.   My BFF used to say we need to choose our own brainwashing, and if “Choose Your Brainwashing” is not already on a T-Shirt or bumper sticker somewhere, she totally has dibs on that.  Which brings us to our third commandment:  THOU SHALT NOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU THAT HOW OR WHO YOU ARE IS WRONG OR BAD.    Unless you are one of those guys who lights your farts on fire.  Because seriously, dude, we need to draw a line somewhere.
Darn it, this starting a religion thing is definitely harder than I thought it would be, because now I have to somehow figure a way to screen out those dudes who light their farts on fire…I guess the internet will be a useful tool in this, because the kind of guy who lights his farts on fire is also the kind of guy who is likely to film himself doing it, so we can have a one question screening process:  is there a video of you lighting your farts on fire on the internet?  I think this will adequately discourage any applicants from doing so in the future too, don’t you?  Okay, now that we’ve settled that, let’s get to our fourth commandment (the original plan was to have one, but like I said, this is harder than I thought it would be)…THOU SHALT NOT YUCK SOMEONE ELSE’S YUM.  In other words, don’t be the jerk who tries to make someone else feel bad about who they are or what they like.  I will give you an example of how I did this recently:  an exceedingly nice young man was telling me of his vacation plans, which included camping out at a Christian folk rock festival, going to a world famous shooting range and drinking at a Monty Python inspired pub.  My response:  “Are you telling me your holiday plans or just making a list of stuff I never want to do?”  See, you shouldn’t do that.

I guess I am not an ideal leader for my own religion because I am frequently guilty of yucking someone’s yum, especially if I can be HI-larious when doing so.   Then again, a religion with a first commandment of thou shalt not let anyone else command you to do bullshit that makes you miserable probably shouldn’t have a “leader” per se.  You know how power mad people get when they think they are in charge, they start thinking other people are ”beneath” them and that maybe those people aren’t worthy of things like, say, “living wages”.  So let’s scratch the leader thing entirely.  In fact, let’s go ahead and “borrow” a little tidbit from our old pal the Buddha:  be a lamp unto yourself.  You are your leader.  Who better to make decisions for and about you than YOU?  You are the world’s foremost expert on you and we defer to your greater wisdom about yourself, how’s that?  Great, I really think WTF is coming together, don’t you?  I feel good about it so far!   And if nothing else, WTF is all about feeling good about yourself and what you do.  So I am definitely already getting in a groove with our mission on earth.
In synopsis, I have started a new religion called WTF and we have a VERY simple screening process if you are interested in joining and it is entirely FOC (free of charge).  You are the leader as far as your practice is concerned, and therefore in charge of all important decisions regarding your life.  However, we do ask that you try to avoid people and situations that make you feel miserable and also make a concerted effort not to make others miserable as well.  So who’s in?

3 comments:

  1. Omg I'm in. Can we get shirts? Love the don't yuck someone's yum. <3

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  2. I'm so old that we had to use Betamax tape to video lighting our farts on fire. But I still want to join!

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  3. I subscribe.
    I've kicked three Gods (four cans and one dog) to the kerb already .

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