I
am the first to admit I don’t have a freaking clue what all of you are doing on
your phones all the time. I check my
phone periodically throughout the day to see if the school has called or
whatever, but when I am sitting in a waiting room or in traffic or eating out
at a restaurant watching all my fellow wait-ers, drivers and eaters stare down
at their phones, all I can think is “WTF are they looking at?” Seriously, somebody tell me because I am
genuinely curious. I think of myself as
a person with a lot of friends and I absolutely adore them all, but I need be
in daily (or hourly) contact with none of them.
I love to make plans to get together and then, if there is traffic on
the way, texting is a great way to let them know I will be late. Or if I’m at the store and my husband thinks
of something he needs, he can text me and that is great too. What the hell are the rest of you texting
about all the time? I am obviously a
person who has a lead ton to say on every subject imaginable, but very nearly
all of it can wait until we talk again.
I think this is why people at social gatherings don’t talk any
more. They are staring at their phones
because they have already texted (or posted on the Facebook) every miniscule
detail of every aspect of their lives so there is nothing left to say. I never have that problem.
I
really have no understanding whatsoever of the Snapchat, the Instagram, the
Pinterest and whatever else it is you all are doing on the internet these
days. I would ask someone to explain it
to me, but I feel it would go down very much like the time I asked a child who
was obsessed with the Pokemon to explain the Pokemon to me. I got absolutely no clarity from the
explanation and I think I accidentally killed the kid’s passion when he
realized he didn’t really understand the Pokemon himself. Video games are also a mystery to me. I, like most people of my generation, had a
brief love affair with Atari, Space Invaders and Ms. Pac Man. But not unlike my son’s rainbow loom, after a
short but intense flurry of activity, I grew bored and moved on. From video games. Forever.
Because I’m old. Old people
realize time is of the essence and staring at a video monitor fighting
imaginary aliens in imaginary invasions for hours is a ridiculously wasteful
use of my brain and lifespan, albeit a lifespan that has undoubtedly been
supernaturally enhanced by Dr. Pepper. Video
games are boring. They are not
life. Neither is the “reality”
television, which appears to generally be a venue for people who would like a
permanent record of themselves being humiliated on a national stage. Count me out on all that, you dig?
I
am old. I use expressions like “you dig”
and “hip to the scene” (which I clearly am not) and I don’t pay my bills online
and I still have a landline and I frequently leave the house without my cell
and I think e-mail is a radically boss, high tech way to stay in touch with the
people I love. I use the expressions
“radically boss” and “high tech”. I am
old and I am happy to be that way. While
most people are looking down at their phones, I am looking around at the
world. I love to flirt with little kids
in the grocery store, often getting to enjoy their precious antics while the
harried, distracted parent is staring at a screen. I like to talk to cashiers and waiters, make
eye contact with other people who aren’t staring at their phones when something
amusing happens, walk out in nature for hours with no access to technology at
all. I don’t bring my phone to church,
the movies or my yoga class. I am
old. I have a million stories from ye
olde days, when we didn’t have cable TV, answering machines or microwave
ovens. Happy stories, funny stories,
none of them involving technology of any kind.
Technology adds very little to the story of our lives, and when we
really are old, we will not be reminiscing about the texts we received or the
posts we read. The story of your life is
happening now. Don’t miss it, please.
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