If you grew
up in the era before liberal snowflakes RUINED EVERYTHING*, somebody at some
point (most likely a parent) may have said to you, “I’ll give you something to
cry about”.
This was
always spoken when you were already crying, for whatever reason, and it not
only implied that you were not justified in your emotion BUT ALSO that if you
did not stop, the speaker would enact some more vicious means of causing you
pain, whether emotional or physical.
Obviously threatening somebody who is already upset is universally
agreed upon as THE BEST method of handling them and also, let’s face it, crying
is for BABIES ONLY.
People who
cry when in pain, or when they are sad, or when they are frustrated, or when
they are angry are really the WORST.
In fact,
people who are displeasing to us in ANY WAY AT ALL, be it their race, religion,
sexual orientation, weight, looks, taste in music, preference for cats over
dogs, OH I COULD GO ON but REALLY, let’s all just AGREE—they are HORRIBLE and
should be at least invalidated and possibly under the right circumstances
PUNISHED.
*UGH, all of
those laws that prevent this from happening!
Isn’t it
nice when we all agree, though? It feels
really good when other people agree with you, it is a balm for the soul—someone
agrees with me, I must be RIGHT! And
even if that agreement is in no way based on facts or evidence or even common
sense, it is still really satisfying.
So why am I
going to give you something to cry about?
Welp, it
turns out my late, great father was right about me—I am what an industrial
psychologist would call a “mismatcher”.
That is to say, when I look at any situation objectively, I
automatically start to identify the cracks and problems and how they might
possibly be sealed and solved. It is
just the way my brain works.
It
additionally turns out that my mother was right about me when she called me “the
kid from the emperor’s new clothes”. Yeah, sure, seeing a naked guy might be uncomfortable,
but it’s the person who starts screaming about it that REALLY makes everybody
cringe. So greetings to the elephant in
the room—I see you, I acknowledge you and I am as we speak figuring out a way
to get you and your ginormous poops out of this small space.
This is on
my mind because recently my tendency to “mismatch” has been on overdrive. I think because for the first time in my life
I have been so obviously and measurably diminished by an illness that NO ONE
seems to have a SINGLE CLUE how to heal, it has made me even more hyper aware
of the difference between a problem that CAN be solved and a problem that CAN’T
be solved (at least not with the data currently available) and the good news
is, most problems CAN BE SOLVED!!!!
The bad news
is, as my late great father used to say, there
may be an idiot in charge.
I recently
posted about my incredibly EFFORTED attempts to be well again (all failures so
far) and how in touch I am becoming with the deeply embedded belief I have that
my value lies not in my being but in my EFFORT.
When effort proves worthless and you are a person who has always laid
stock in it, there comes a great awakening, something akin to the t-shirt
wisdom that SH*T HAPPENS layered with some “dark night of the soul” search
for meaning in the mess.
But with the
clear and present understanding that effort is not always the answer comes the
just as urgent clarion call: sometimes,
IT IS.
And we (all
of us) need to realize the difference between situations we CAN fix with effort
and situations we can’t.
So here’s
where I give you something to cry about.
There are a
HUGE BUNCH of things in your life that you have been “crying” about that are
completely and totally in your control.
Sorry, I’m right about this. And
btw, it is 100% TRUE OF ME as well!
My illness
may not be something I can control, but there are many problematic situations I
am living with that I could act upon but choose not to, for various
reasons. BUT I COULD. Like the old Eagles’ song says, “So often
times it happens that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we
have the key.”
Here are
some examples of things you can stop crying about RIGHT NOW:
Your weight
(unless you have a serious underlying and incurable condition that prevents the
following advice): lose it, gain it or
accept it.
Your
relationship: leave it, go to couples’
counselling, go to therapy to figure out why you are staying in a relationship
that makes you cry or accept it.**
Your
job: quit, ask about training programs,
ask about transferring, take night/online classes to open new opportunities,
apply for new positions outside the company, do things to build up your resume
or accept it.
Your
looks: get plastic surgery or accept the
fact that there is not a single person in your life that you love because of
how they look so, AHEM.
And I could
go on, but I won’t because it isn’t nice to give people you care for
something to cry about, even if what you are saying is totally fair and valid
(as I have learned recently the hard way).
I am writing this very generic blanket post because I have REALLY TICKED
SOME PEOPLE OFF by pointing out this kind of stuff to them specifically about
their particular situations. But
seriously, when life confronts you with a circumstance you cannot heal or fix with
effort, you lose a lot of your patience with people who could.
So while I
am not going to tell you your pain is not justified and I am not even going to
threaten you with corporal punishment (although if you were my kid I
COULD! STILL LEGAL in the good old U.S.
of A., take THAT, liberal snowflakes!) I am going to say that as far as we
know, this is your one and only life, so embrace what is working for you and
change anything and everything that isn’t.
And maybe (just maybe) crying about your problems rather than fixing
them is working for you.
Sorry, I’m
right about this.
BUT
If you are
like me, and REALLY want to learn to discern the difference between a problem
that CAN be solved and one that can’t?
Then, please:
“Tell me,
what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” ~ Mary Oliver
Own your
problems and enjoy solving those you can.
That is the best life any of us can truly hope for, tears and all.
(**if you
are involved with an abuser—please call the domestic abuse hotline and get help)
